17 Years Ago....

Cathy called me today while I was out running errands. She reminded me that 17 years ago today, our dad passed away. Wow, how embarrassing that she had to 'remind' me. I think aboutDad all the time, and especially in January, but the exact day had slipped by me.

Ever since that phone call, I've been thinking a lot about Dad and about the last 17 years. I remember the day so clearly. I was in the middle of a 3 day long training session that week. Dad was in the hospital. On my way to class that morning, I had a fleeting thought about how sad I'd be if he died. Because I was involved in a class, no one could reach me by phone when the call came. So, Colleen tracked me down and came to the class to tell me. I can still see her there in the hallway. I remember what I was wearing. I was so sad.

Dad had been sick for so long, and he always pulled out of it. Every time I prepared myself for him to die, he didn't. I wasn't that prepared this time. Even so, I was quick to remember something Dad said to me once. He reminded me that no matter what happened, he and I had said all the important things between us. We knew we loved each other. He was right that we'd said it all before, but I missed him.

I've missed him a lot over the last 17 years. He did get to see pictures of my new house that I'd moved into just two months before he died. He did get to meet Dale whom I'd married 3 years before. Unfortunately, he isn't here to see that I'm still living in that "new" house. He's never met my kids. Well, actually, I have wondered if maybe he did meet Daniel. I've speculated that he was in heaven with Daniel before he was born. He probably talked Daniel's ear off. When Daniel reached his limit, he decided to just jump and be born 2 1/2 months early!

Honestly, I think he and Daniel would have had tons to talk about. Dad would have loved Daniel's mind and sense of humor. He would have been as smitten by Cheyenne's little hugs as everyone else is.

I often think of all the technological advances since Dad died. He was an "early adopter" before there was a word for such a thing. That's why he had a Beta system and a couple different laser disk players. I have no doubt that he would be rocking an iPhone and a first generation iPad. When I was little we had a big console stereo in our living room, and he would lay on the floor with giant headphones on while he listened to music (probably a rockin' Roger Miller LP). He would definitely be enjoying an iPod or two with cute little earbuds.

One of the things I thought about today was how different my life is from 17 years ago. I honestly feel like a different person living an entirely different life from then. I know that's not really true because I have some core values and personality traits that haven't changed at all, but my circumstances have changed a ton!!! I could never have foreseen the opportunities, the challenges, the bizarre things, the wonderful things, the births, the deaths, etc. that have made up the last 17 years. Maybe it's good I couldn't have seen them or I may not have done them.

But what struck me about this thought process is that I couldn't have foreseen it all, but I did it anyway (or am doing it), one step at a time. Back then, I could never have understood my life now. I could never have predicted that I'd understand what I do or that I'd survive the things I have with the perspective I have. It makes me hopeful about the future. Maybe it's okay that I can't imagine what it will be like to be elderly. Maybe it's okay that I don't know exactly what heaven will be like. Someday it will make sense, and it will all work out. That's hopeful to me.

I'm still sad my dad isn't here to share much of my life with me - we would have had some great times - but I'm pretty convinced he is very aware of what happens with me and my family. I believe he still watches me and shares in my emotions like any father would. Someday we'll have a good laugh about it all - that is, when I can look back on it and laugh.

The day of Dad's funeral, my sister Colleen was called home because her two-year old son had been hospitalized with a terrible illness. About 24 hours after that, my pregnant sister Cathy was forced to head home in a pickup because her other children had been caught in the Northridge earthquake in southern California. I was left alone in Colorado to attend Dad's burial which had been delayed by the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. Overall, it was a pretty rotten week.

When we came home, we had a New Year's Eve party and started the year over in the middle of January. Considering this was 17 years ago this week, I might just raise a glass again to Dad and wish us all a happy, prosperous, amazing new year. May it bring another 12 months of things we can wonder about this time next year. And may it bring me lots more memories of my dad and the joy I have in being his daughter. Love you, Dad!!!